


A Midperigree Night's Eve

by Eclaire-de-Lune (RoyalHeather)



Series: Shakespearestuck [3]
Category: Homestuck, Midsummer Night's Dream - Shakespeare
Genre: Dubious Consent, F/M, Fairies, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, tw: Robin Goodfellow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-18
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2017-12-29 18:11:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1008456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalHeather/pseuds/Eclaire-de-Lune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, reenacted by everyone's favorite trolls and kids. Starring the alpha kids as the love square, Eridan as King Oberon, Vriska as Queen Titania, and everyone's favorite murderclown Gamzee as Puck. Expect love juice, wandering in the woods, mistaken identity, incompetent actors, and general mayhem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Cast

[NAMES OF THE ACTORS

HERMIA [GG]  
LYSANDER [GT]  
HELENA [TG]   
DEMETRIUS [TT]

THESEUS, Duke of Athens [TG]  
HIPPOLYTA, Queen of the Amazons [GG]  
EGEUS, Hermia's mother [TT]  
PHILOSTRATE, Theseus' master of the revels [Andrew Hussie] 

OBERON, King of the fairies [CA]  
TITANIA, Queen of the fairies [AG]  
PUCK [TC]  
PEASEBLOSSOM [AC]  
COBWEB [CT]  
MUSTARDSEED [GC]  
MOTE [AA]  


NICK BOTTOM, a weaver [EB]  
PETER QUINCE, a carpenter [CC]  
FRANCIS FLUTE, a bellows-mender [CG]   
ROBIN STARVELING, a tailor [GA]   
TOM SNOUT, a tinker [TA]   
SNUG, a joiner [AT]

SCENE: Athens]


	2. Act I, Scene 1

I.1 Enter Theseus [TG] and  Hippolyta [GG].

TG: yo hippolyta i cant believe its four days until our wedding  
TG: thats like  
TG: an eternity  
TG: dunno if i can wait that long to consummate our holy matrimonials   
GG: im pretty sure you can :P  
TG: no you dont understand its killing me  
TG: im pining away here hippolyta  
TG: help  
TG: i need your sweet boobs   
TG: only thing that can revive me is coppin a feel   
GG: uh huh sure :P  
TG: aw come on  
TG: hey youre not still mad i beat you in battle are you  
TG: look im throwing you this hella expensive wedding to make up for it  
Enter  Egeus [TT], Hermia [GG], Lysander [GT], and  Demetrius [TT].  
TT: Happy be Theseus, our renowned duke!  
TG: thanks egeus  
TG: whats up  
TT: I have a complaint about my daughter, Hermia.   
TT: Demetrius, stand over here.   
TT: My noble lord, this man has consented to marry my daughter. And this man – Lysander, you stand here – well, it seems he’s done a pretty thorough job of getting my daughter to fall in love with him.   
TT: Not that it’s her fault, of course.   
TT: After all, who could resist a man who sings at your window by moonlight and buys you jewelry? So now she’s infatuated, and won’t marry Demetrius.   
TT: Your Grace, I beg the ancient privilege of Athens.  
TT: As she is mine, I may dispose of her, which shall either be to Demetrius or her death.   
TG: damn  
TG: hermia any thoughts on the matter  
TG: gotta say you could do a lot worse than demetrius  
GG: I'm much happier with Lysander.  
TG: yeah but  
TG: your mom wants you to marry Demetrius  
TG: which kinda makes him the better choice if you catch my drift  
GG: This is ridiculous! Why can't I marry Lysander?   
GG: What happens if I refuse Demetrius?  
TG: then you die or you become a nun  
TG: sorry   
TG: thems the breaks  
GG: What kind of fair choice is that? This is honestly what passes for a legal system?  
GG: I don't care, I'll still never give myself to Demetrius.   
TG: look take some time to think about it  
TG: im getting married in four days so why dont you come back then and tell me what youve decided  
TT: Relent, sweet Hermia.  
TT: Oh, and Lysander? Yield.  
GT: Well you sure seem to have her mothers love.  
GT: Why dont you marry her and let me have hermia!  
TT: Lysander, stop talking before you embarrass yourself.  
GT: But this is absolute claptrap!  
GT: Im as much of a man as demetrius and have just as much earthly possessions. Why shouldnt i marry hermia?  
GT: And whats more i have indisputable proof that demetrius was going out with nedars daughter helena, who still loves this ungentlemanly cad.  
TG: oh yeah i remember that juicy piece of gossip  
TG: tell you what demetrius and egeus  
TG: come with me and ill give you some advice  
TG: not to brag or anything but ive kind of got a way with the ladies  
TG: right hippolyta  
TG: hippolyta   
GG: dont talk to me   
Exit Hippolyta.  
TG: shit  
TG: uh  
TG: anyway come along you two  
TG: listen to words of wisdom from your duke  
TG: and hermia remember  
TG: nun or death  
Exeunt all but  Lysander and  Hermia.  
GT: Why my love! Why do the roses in your cheeks fade so fast?  
GG: Oh, it couldn't possibly be because I have to choose between death or a nunnery if I don't marry Demetrius.   
GG: That couldn't possibly be it.  
GT: I know. This situation is lamentable all around.   
GG: Oh, well.  
GG: This must be what it's like to be star-crossed lovers, huh.  
GT: I say hermia. I have an idea!  
GT: Ive got a widowed aunt who lives seven leagues from athens and respects me as her only son. Since she lives out of the reach of athenian law i am free to marry you there.   
GT: Sneak out of your mothers house tonight and meet me in the woods and together well journey to her house.  
GG: Do you know, I think that might actually work!  
GG: I promise, Lysander. I promise I'll meet you there.  
GT: Oh my love.  
GT: I say here comes Helena.  
Enter  Helena [TG].  
GG: Hello, Helena. How are you?   
TG: shitty actually  
TG: thx for askin  
TG: not like its ur fault or anythin  
TG: not like dear sweet demetrius keeps lookin at you instead of lovin me  
GG: Helena, I frown at him and he still adores me.   
TG: i wish my smiles could do what ur frowns do  
GG: I give him curses and he gives me love.  
TG: even my prayers dont cut it w/ him  
GG: The more I hate, the more he follows me.  
TG: the more i love the more he hates me :(  
GG: Look, it might not be all that bad. In a short time he'll never see my face again.  
GT: Thats right hermia and i will be leaving this dratted city soon.  
GG: Our plan is to meet in the woods and from there go to somewhere where we can be married in peace.  
GG: I hope someday I see you again! Good luck with Demetrius.  
Exeunt  Hermia  and Lysander.  
TG: well thats just peachy  
TG: shit  
TG: im just as pretty as hermia after all  
TG: and demetrius used to love me too  
TG: then idk what happened suddenly it was “hermia this” and “hermia that”  
TG: i dont even know whta the fuck im supposed to be doinn anytmore  
TG: *anymore  
TG: wait a min  
TG: if i tell demetirus where theyre goin hell follow hermia into the woods  
TG: and then i can follow him  
TG: hell maybe ill even get some thanks for givn him the intel   
TG: its the best ive got 

Exit.


	3. Act I, Scene 2

I.2 Enter  Quince [CC],  Snug [AT], Bottom [EB], Flute [CG],  Snout [TA], and  Starveling [GA].

CC: All rig)(t, is everyone )(ere?  
EB: you should probably call everyone's name to make sure!  
EB: no, wait! first you should say what our play is about, and then call everyone's name.  
CC: O)(, fine.  
CC: So t)(e play we’re performing is “T)(e Most Lamentable Comedy and Most Cruel Deat)( of Pyramus and T)(isby.”  
EB: oooooh that’s a good one.  
EB: now call the actors.  
CC: Answer as I call you. Nick Bottom, t)(e weaver?  
EB: me!!  
EB: what part am i?   
CC: You’re playing Pyramus.  
EB: awesome. is he a lover or a tyrant?  
CC: )(e’s a lover, w)(o kills )(imself.  
EB: oh, i’m totally going to make the audience cry. man, everyone’s going to be crying so hard we’ll need a mop.  
CC: Francis Flute, t)(e bellows-mender?  
CG: HERE.  
CC: You’re playing t)(e role of T)(isby.   
CG: WHO’S THAT, A KNIGHT.  
CC: Um, no…   
CC: T)(isby is t)(e lady Pyramus falls in love wit)(.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
CG: I CAN’T PLAY A WOMAN. LOOK, I’M GROWING A BEARD.  
CC: We’ll get you a mask or somet)(ing. Just speak )(ig)(-pitc)(ed!  
EB: i can do that too!  
CC: You can’t, you’re playing Pyramus.  
CC: Robin Starveling, t)(e tailor?  
GA: Present  
CC: You’re playing T)(isby’s mot)(er. Tom Snout, t)(e tinker?  
TA: here  
CC: You’re Pyramus’ fat)(er, and I’ll play T)(isby’s fat)(er. Snug, t)(e joiner, you play t)(e lion, and I t)(ink t)(at’s t)(e entire cast!  
AT: dO YOU, uHH,, hAVE THE LION’S SCRIPT  
AT: i NEED TO STUDY IT,  
CC: O)(, it’s easy, conc)(estly! All you )(ave to do is ROAR!  
EB: i can roar! let me play the lion! i’ll roar so well the duke will ask to hear it again!  
CC: No, you’ll roar too well and scare t)(e ladies, and t)(en t)(ey’ll )(ang us all.  
EB: aw… then i’ll roar softly!  
CC: You’re not playing anyone but Pyramus.  
CC: All rig)(t, now t)(at everyone )(as t)(eir parts, let’s meet tomorrow nig)(t in t)(e woods to re)(earse. At least t)(ere we can )(ave some seacresy before performing at t)(e duke’s wedding.   
EB: we’ll be there!

Exeunt.


	4. Act II, Scene 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those few (those happy few) who are reading as I post, Jane is now Hermia and Roxy is now Helena.

II.1 Enter, from opposite sides,  Puck [TC] and  Mustardseed [GC].

TC: hEy NoW, mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg FaIrY sIsTeR.  
TC: WhErE aRe YoU aLl Up AnD wAnDeRiNg OfF tO?  
GC: WH3R3 1 W4ND3R 1S NON3 OF YOUR BUS1N3SS M1ST3R F41RY!   
GC: 1 S3RV3 TH3 F41RY QU33N 4ND H4V3 B3TT3R TH1NGS TO DO TH4N CH4T W1TH 4 HOBGOBL1N L1K3 YOU  
GC: B3S1D3S TH3 QU33N H3RS3LF 1S COM1NG H3R3 SOON SO YOU H4D B3TT3R L34V3  
TC: hAhA wHaT a MoThErFuCkInG cOiNcIdEnCe, MaN, tHiS sPoT rIgHt HeRe Be WhErE tHe KiNg Is HoLdInG hIs ReVeLs ToNiGhT.   
TC: MaKe SuRe YoU kEeP tHe QuEeN aWaY fRoM hIm BeCaUsE hE’s MoThErFuCkInG gOt HiS rIgHtEoUs RaGe On At HeR.  
TC: hE bE aLl HaRsHeD uP bEcAuSe ShE uP aNd StOlE a ChAnGeLiNg FrOm HiM.  
GC: W41T 4 S3COND   
GC: 1 KNOW WHO YOU 4R3  
GC: 4R3 YOU OR 4R3 YOU NOT ON3 ROB1N GOODF3LLOW COMMONLY KNOWN 4S PUCK  
TC: YoU gOt ThAt MoThErFuCkInG rIgHt, SiStEr.  
TC: i Am ThAt MeRrY wAnDeReR oF tHe NiGhT, i JeSt To ObErOn AnD mAkE hIm SmIlE.  
TC: I aM aLl Up In EvErY pRaNk ThAt MoThErFuCkInG hApPeNs, I sPiLl DrInKs On GoSsIpS aNd PuLl ThE sToOlS oUt FrOm UnDeR yOuR lItTlE oLd AuNtS.  
TC: aIn’T nO gReAtEr MaKeR oF lAuGhS aNd MaYhEm ThAn MoThErFuCkInG mE :o)  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG lOoK aT tHaT, hErE cOmEs ObErOn.  
GC: 1F H3 KNOWS WH4TS B3ST FOR H1M H3 SHOULD L34V3 4T ONC3! H3R3 COM3S T1T4N14  
Enter, from one side,  Oberon [CA] with his train; from the other,  Titania [AG], with hers.  
CA: ill met by moonlight proud titania  
AG: Wellllllll, if it isn’t O8eron himself. Fairies, let’s get out of here, he’s not worth my time.  
CA: wwhoa hey noww wwhats the rush  
CA: arent i your lord  
AG: You wish!!!!!!!! 8esides, you’ve totally got a crush on that Amazon queen Hippolyta. The only reason you’re here is for the wedding.  
CA: careful wwhat kind a slander you put out there   
CA: wwe all knoww youvve been sleepin around wwith theseus  
AG: Ugh, you can’t even lie properly. What’s the point of all this fighting if you’re not going to 8e a worthy opponent?   
CA: i can too  
CA: besides you can stop all a this fightin if you wwant  
CA: just givve me back the changelin boy  
AG: No way!!!!!!!! He’s mine, fair and square. If you wanted to keep him, you shouldn’t have made it so easy for me to steal him!  
CA: i wwasnt exactly goin to put the kid under lock an key  
CA: howw long are you in this wwood for  
AG: Until after Theseus’ wedding day.   
AG: You know, may8e I WILL pay him a visit. He’s pretty hot, you know! :::;)  
CA: look just givve me the boy an ill go wwith you to the wweddin  
AG: Not in 8 8illion years! Come on, fairies, let’s leave this loser.  
Exit Titania with her train.  
CA: yeah thats right leavve  
CA: youre not gettin out a this grovve until ivve paid you back  
CA: hey puck come here  
CA: remember wwhen i wwas sittin by the ocean an listenin to a mermaid singin  
TC: yEaH bRo I rEmEmBeR.  
TC: It WaS mOtHeRfUcKiNg MaGiCaL :o)  
CA: wwell it just so happens that as i wwas doin that i saww cupid flyin through the sky  
CA: he shot one a his magic lovve arrowws an it hit a flowwer  
CA: if you put the juice a that flowwer on the eyelids a anyone sleepin  
CA: wwhen they wwake up theyll fall in lovve wwith the next livvin thin they see  
CA: fetch me that flowwer as quick as you can  
TC: i’Ll Go So MoThErFuCkInG fAsT yOu WoN’t EvEn KnOw I wAs GoNe.  
Exit.  
CA: once i havve this juice ill put it on tans eyes   
CA: an wwhen she wwakes up shell fall in lovve wwith the next thin she sees  
CA: be it lion bear or wwolf or bull  
CA: meddlin monkey or busy ape  
CA: an before i givve her the remedy ill make her render up the boy to me  
CA: oh wwait someones comin  
CA: i am invvisible  
Enter Demetrius [TT] and Helena [TG].  
TT: I don’t love you, so please stop following me.  
TT: Where’s Lysander and fair Hermia? The one I’ll slay, the other slayed me. You told me they were in this wood, now where are they.  
TG: demetriuuuuuuuus  
TT: Please stop.  
TG: demetriuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus  
TT: Please. Stop.  
TG: i cant  
TG: somethins drawin me to u  
TG: must be ur magnetic attraction  
TT: I’m literally insulting you and you’re still following me around.   
TG: i kno im like a dog or something  
TG: woff owoof  
TG: *woof  
TT: You do realize you’re wandering around at night, alone, in the woods, with just me around?   
TT: Not that I’d do anything to you, but it’s a pretty fucking stupid decision.  
TG: but its not night  
TG: ur face makes it day  
TG: and how can i be alone when ur my whole wordld?   
TT: I swear, I’m going to feed you to a wild animal  
TG: bet theres no animal wilder than you ;)  
TT: God give me strength not to choke a bitch.  
Exit Demetrius and Helena.  
CA: wwell noww  
CA: thats a unfortunate situation  
CA: let me see if i can turn the tables though  
Enter Puck.  
CA: do you havve the flowwer  
TC: SuRe Do, My MoThErFuCkInG lIeGe.  
CA: givve it to me  
CA: i knoww this place wwhere tan likes to take her naps  
CA: ill go there noww an put it on her eyes  
CA: but here take some juice   
CA: theres a athenian lady runnin through the wwoods after some asshole guy   
CA: put the lovve juice on his eyes so that wwhen he wwakes up hell see her an fall in lovve  
TC: fEaR nOt, I mOtHeRfUcKiNg GoT tHiS.  
TC: HoNk :O)

Exeunt.


	5. Act II, Scene 2

II.2 Enter  Titania [AG], with Peaseblossom [AC], Cobweb [CT], Mustardseed [GC], and Mote [AA].

AG: Come on, sing me a song.  
AG: After that you can all go off to your fairy tasks or wh8ver it is you do.  
AA: y0u sp0tted snakes with d0uble t0ngue  
GC: THORNY H3DG3HOGS B3 NOT S33N  
AC: :33 < newts and blindworms, do no wrong  
CT: D --> Come not near our fairy queen  
AA: phil0mel, with mel0dy  
GC: S1NG 1N OUR SW33T LULL4BY  
AC: :33 < lulla, lulla, lullaby  
CT: D --> Lulla, lulla, lullaby  
Titania  sleeps.  
GC: 3V3RYON3 4W4Y NOW  
GC: 1 W1LL ST4ND S3NT1N3L  
Exeunt Peaseblossom, Cobweb, and  Mote. Enter Oberon [CA] and squeezes the flower on  Titania’s eyelids.  
CA: wwhat you see wwhen you wwake  
CA: do it for thy true lovve take  
CA: wwhat you see wwill be thy dear  
CA: wwake wwhen some vvile thing is near  
Exit. Enter  Lysander [GT]  and  Hermia [GG].  
GT: Fair love you faint with wandering in the wood. And to speak honestly i have forgotten our way.  
GT: Lets rest here and wait for morning light.  
GG: All right, why don’t you find a bed. I’ll sleep here.  
GT: Why hermia i thought we could sleep together.  
GG: Er… I don’t think so.  
GT: Egads! I didnt mean it in that sense! *fumbles with collar nervously*  
GT: I merely meant sleeping in the literal innocent sense since our hearts are so close already.  
GG: I still don’t think I’d be comfortable with that. Honestly, Lysander, it just wouldn’t be proper.   
GT: Oh all right. Good night sweet hermia.   
GG: Good night, Lysander. <3  
They sleep. Enter  Puck [TC].  
TC: i’Ve BeEn AlL oVeR tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg FoReSt AnD hAvEn’T lAiD mY pEePeRs On AnY aThEnIaN dUdEs YeT :o(  
TC: WaIt OnE mOtHeRfUcKiNg SeCoNd.  
TC: wHaT bItChTiTs AtHeNiAn FiNeRy Is AlL uP iN mY eYeS hErE?   
TC: HeRe Be ThAt MoThErFuCkEr WhAt ObErOn ToLd Me WaS dEsPiSiNg A mAiD.  
TC: aNd HeRe SlEePiNg NeXt To HiM bE tHaT sWeEt LiTtLe SiStEr.   
TC: HaVe YoUr EyEs AnOiNtEd WiTh ThIs LoVe JuIcE mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg BrO aNd WaKe Up WhEn I aM gOnE.  
Exit. Enter  Demetrius [TT]  and  Helena [TG].  
TG: stay sweet edemetirus stayyyyy  
TT: Leave me alone.  
TG: dno’t leeeeaaaaaave meeeeeee  
TT: Leave me the fuck alone!  
Exit.  
TG: hoo man im all outta breath  
TG: gotta start workin out more  
TG: run laps or somethin  
TG: shit demetrius probaly thinks im a monster  
TG: no wonder he keeps runnin away from me :(   
TG: wait  
TG: hold the fuck up who is this  
TG: lysander y u sleepin on the ground  
TG: wake up  
GT: Helena! I will run through fire for your sake!  
TG: oh god wut  
GT: Where is demetrius? Oh how fit a word is that vile name to perish on my sword!  
TG: wait a iminute lysander youve got this all wrong  
TG: ur in luv w/ hermia  
TG: remember?  
GT: Hermia? Who could be content with a raven like her when faced with a dove like you?   
TG: thats it ur makin fun of me arnet you  
TG: bc i didnt have neough pain and sufferin in my life  
TG: *enough  
TG: you asshole  
Exit.  
GT: Hermia sleep there and never come near me again. Ive had too much of you and i am sorry to say i find you absolutely repulsive now.  
GT: Now let me address all my powers love and might to serve Helena!  
Exit.  
GG: Lysander? Lysander!  
GG: Oh God, I just had the worst dream D:   
GG: I dreamed a snake was eating my heart, and you were just sitting there, smiling and watching…  
GG: Lysander?  
GG: Lysander, where the hell are you???

Exit.  



	6. Act III, Scene 1

III.1 Enter  Quince [CC], Snug [AT], Bottom [EB], Flute [CG], Snout [TA], and  Starveling [GA].

EB: is everyone here?   
CC: Yes, we are. And )(ere’s a P--ERF--ECT place for our re)(earsal!  
EB: peter quince?  
CC: Y--ES, Bottom?  
EB: there’s some stuff in this play that i don’t think is really appropriate!  
EB: after all, pyramus stabs himself with his own sword. that’s pretty gory!  
EB: i dunno if we should keep it in.  
TA: oh yeah that’2 REALLY terriifyiing.  
GA: It Is Quite Violent Though  
GA: Perhaps Bottom Has A Point  
EB: wait wait i got it!  
EB: write me a prologue where i say that we’ll do no harm with our swords, and that pyramus isn’t really killed! then no one will be alarmed.  
CC: We’ve already got a prologue written, but okay, I’ll put it in…  
AT: wON’T, uHH,, tHE LADIES BE AFRAID, oF THE LION,?  
EB: ooooh, yeah! good point.  
AT: mAYBE WE SHOULD, uH, pUT IT IN THE PROLOGUE,,  
AT: tHAT I’M NOT, a REAL LION, eITHER,  
CC: FIN---E. We’ve got ot)(er t)(ings to figure out. For example, )(ow are we going to get moonlig)(t inside, since Pyramus and T)(isby meet by moonlig)(t?  
TA: doe2 the moon 2hiine the niight we perform?  
CC: Yes.  
TA: 2o leave a wiindow open.  
CC: Maybe… Or we could )(ave someone stand t)(ere wit)( a lantern, to represent t)(e Moon. Also, we need a wall, because Pyramus and T)(isby talk to eac)( ot)(er t)(roug)( a c)(ink in a wall.  
TA: yeah you’re not briingiing a wall iin2iide.  
EB: why don’t we just have someone stand there with plaster and loam on him, to show he’s a wall, and he can make a hole with his fingers for pyramus and thisby to talk through?  
CC: T)(at’s not a )(alf-bass idea. Come on, let’s start re)(earsing.  
Enter  Puck [TC].  
TC: wHaT mOtHeRfUcKiNg RuCkUs AnD rEvElS hAvE wE hErE? lOoKs LiKe SoMe WiCkEd BiTcHiN aCtOrS gOt It In ThEm To ReHeArSe In FaIrY wOoDs.  
TC: LoOkS lIkE tHeY’rE mIsSiNg A mOtHeRfUcKiNg AuDiEnCe, ThOuGh. AnD mAyBe AnOtHeR aCtOr.  
TC: wHaT a FiNe-AsS mIrAcLe ThEy’Ve GoT mE :o)  
CC: Pyramus, it’s your line now.  
EB: Thisby, the flowers of odious savors sweet   
CC: Odors, odors.  
EB: Odors savors sweet  
EB: so has your breath, my dearest thisby dear  
EB: but hark, a voice! stay here a while  
EB: and by and by i will to you appear  
Exit.  
TC: MaN i AiN’t NeVeR sEeN a StRaNgEr PyRaMuS.  
Exit.  
CG: DO I HAVE TO TALK NOW.  
CC: Yes, t)(at’s w)(at it means w)(en it’s your cue 38|  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: MOST RADIANT PYRAMUS, MOST LILY-WHITE OF HUE  
CG: REALLY? **REALLY?**   
CC: JUST R----EAD IT!!!  
CG: MUST RADIANT PYRAMUS, MOST LILY WHITE OF HUE,  
CG: OF COLOR LIKE THE RED ROSE ON TRIUMPHANT BRIER,  
CG: MOST BRISKY JUVENAL AND EKE MOST LOVELY JEW,  
CG: AS TRUE AS TRUEST HORSE THAT YET WOULD NEVER TIRE,  
CG: I’LL MEET THEE, PYRAMUS, AT NINNY’S TOMB.  
CG: I THINK I PUKED IN MY MOUTH A LITTLE.  
CC: It’s Ninus’ tomb, not Ninny’s. Besides, you just said all your lines at once. You stop after “never tire” and wait for Pyramus.  
CG: I FUCKING KNEW THAT.  
CG: AS TRUE AS TRUEST HORSE, THAT YET WOULD NEVER TIRE.  
Enter Puck  and  Bottom with a donkey’s head.  
EB: if i were fair, thisby, i were only thine!  
CC: W)(AT T)(E FUCK IS T)(AT!!! GET IT AWAY!!  
Exeunt  Quince, Snug,  Flute, Snout,  and  Starveling.  
EB: guys? why did you run away?   
EB: guys??  
Enter  Snout.  
TA: hey bottom look2 liike you’ve got 2omethiing on your face.  
EB: so do you, assface.  
Exit Snout. Enter Quince.  
CC: U)(, Bottom, I don’t know )(ow to s)(ell you t)(is, but… you’ve c)(anged. A lot.  
Exit.  
EB: i get it! you guys are just trying to fool me and make an ass out of me!  
EB: haha, very funny!   
EB: gosh, you guys are lame. you call this a prank?  
TC: fOlLoW mE.   
TC: HoNk :O)  
Exit.  
EB: oh, and now you’re doing creepy voices? come on, this is little kid stuff!   
EB: look, i’m singing! see how unafraid i am?  
EB: the ousel bird so black of hue  
EB: with orange tawny bill  
Titania awakes.  
AG: What angel wakes me from my flowery 8ed?  
AG: What the hell did I just say.  
EB: the finch, the sparrow, and the lark  
EB: the plain-song cuckoo gray  
AG: Don’t stop singing!  
AG: You’ve got a GR8 voice. :::;)  
EB: oh, um. gosh! thank you!  
AG: And you're handsome. :::;)  
EB: haha, well, i don’t know about that one.   
AG: I think I might 8e in love with you. :::;)  
EB: really? haha, wow, i don’t see why you’d have a reason to…  
EB: then again, reason and love keep little company nowadays.  
AG: And you’re smart too! *swoon*  
EB: if i was smart i’d know how to get out of this wood.  
AG: What???????? You can’t leave! Stay here with me!   
AG: I’ll make you super comforta8le, don’t worry a8out it. I’ll even get my fairies to attend you.  
AG: Pease8lossom! Co8we8! Mote! Mustardseed!   
Enter Peaseblossom [AC], Cobweb [CT], Mote [AA] and Mustardseed [GC].  
AC: :33 < *ac is ready and waiting to do her queen’s bidding*  
CT: D --> I am ready as well  
AA: and i  
GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT US TO DO?  
AG: You all have to 8e VERY nice to this gentleman here!  
AG: Feed him apricots and dew8erries, purple grapes, green figs, and honey. Pluck the wings from painted 8utterflies to fan the moon8eams from his sleeping eyes. And do him courtesies like you would to me.  
AG: Well?  
AG: 8ow to him!!!!!!!!  
AC: :33 < *the cat fairy bows her head to the strange donkey-headed mortal*  
AA: hail  
GC: H41L  
CT: D --> Your majesty I cannot lower myself before a mortal such as   
AG: HAIL HIM!  
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> Yes your majesty  
CT: D --> Hail mortal  
EB: you, what’s your name?  
CT: D --> Cobweb  
EB: heh, if i cut my finger i’ll call for you. what about you, what’s your name?  
AC: :33 < peaseblossom :33  
EB: and you?  
GC: MUST4RDS33D   
AG: Well, what are you w8ing for? W8 on him!  
AG: Lead him to my 8ower, we can relax there.   
AG: Oh, and make sure he doesn’t talk until we get there.

Exeunt.  



	7. Act III, Scene 2

III.2 Enter  Oberon [CA].

CA: i wwonder if tans awwake   
CA: wwhat kind a thing she fell in lovve wwith  
Enter  Puck [TC].  
CA: finally  
CA: howw noww mad spirit  
CA: wwhat night rule noww about this haunted grovve  
TC: aW mAn TiTaNiA iS hEaD oVeR mOtHeRfUcKiNg HeElS fOr ThIs PiMp ThUg PlAyEr WhAt WaNdErEd OvEr WiTh An AsS fOr A hEaD.  
CA: you  
CA: you mean like a butt  
TC: NaHhH wHaT kInD oF sTrAnGe-AsS mOnStEr WoUlD tHaT uP aNd Be.  
TC: i MeAn LiKe A mOtHeRfUcKiNg DoNkEy’S hEaD tHaT i Up AnD pUt On HiM wHiLe He WaS pRaCtIcInG fOr A pLaY.  
TC: I aIn’T nEvEr SeEn A sIgHt As FuNnY aS aLl ThEm WiCkEd PlAyFoLk ScReAmInG aNd RuNnInG aWaY wHeN tHeY lAiD mOtHeRfUcKiNg PeEpErS oN hIm.  
TC: mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRtHfUl :O)  
CA: so noww tans in lovve wwith a ass  
CA: fuckin fantastic  
CA: wwhat about the athenian guy  
CA: did you put lovve juice on him  
TC: SuRe DiD. hE wAs AlL sLeEpInG bY hEr So ThAt WhEn He WoKe Up ShE wAs SuRe To Be ThE fIrSt ThInG hE sAw.  
Enter  Hermia [GG] and  Demetrius [TT].  
CA: speak a the devvil this is the same athenian  
TC: uHhHhHh ThAt’S tHe SwEeT lItTlE sIsTeR hE wAs WiTh BuT tHaT aIn’T tHe MaN i Up AnD lOvEsPeLlEd.   
TT: Please, Hermia, just a little mercy is all I ask.  
TT: Must you speak to me cruelly all the time?  
GG: I’ll do a lot more than speak, watch me.   
GG: You killed Lysander, didn’t you!  
GG: I find it hard to believe that he would leave me for any other reason! >:(   
GG: And you’ve got murder written all over your face.  
TT: That’s because I am murdered, pierced through the heart with your stern cruelty.  
TT: And yet you, the murderer, look as bright as the planet Venus.  
GG: That has nothing to do with Lysander!!! WHERE IS HE?  
TT: I really don’t give a fuck.  
GG: Then leave me the hell alone!!!!!!  
TT: It’s not like I killed him!  
GG: So where is he????  
TT: Do I get anything if I tell you?  
GG: You never have to look at me again.  
Exit.  
TT: There’s no point to following her when she’s like this, I guess.  
TT: Might as well just lie down and go to sleep here.  
Lies down and sleeps.  
CA: wwhat the fuck did you do  
TC: HoNk :O(  
CA: thats the wwrong guy you fuckin idiot  
TC: aLl YoU sAiD wAs He HaD aThEnIaN cLoThEs.   
TC: HoW mAnY mOtHeRfUcKeRs In AtHeNiAn DuDs Be AlL uP aNd In OuR fInE fOrEsT?  
CA: at least twwo apparently  
CA: okay  
CA: go look for helena a athens an bring her here so this guy can fall in lovve wwith her  
CA: noww  
TC: wAtCh Me Go SwIfTeR tHaN tHe ArRoW fRoM a MoThErFuCkInG bOw!  
Exit.  
CA: sink in apple a his eye  
CA: wwhen his lovve he doth espy  
CA: let her shine as gloriously  
CA: as the vvenus a the sky  
Enter Puck.  
TC: YoOoOo My MoThErFuCkInG lIeGe HeLeNa Be Up AnD oN hEr WaY.  
TC: aNd YoU’lL nEvEr GuEsS wHo’S fOlLoWiNg AfTeR hEr.  
CA: wwho  
TC: ThAt SoRrY mOtHeRfUcKeR wHo I aCcIdEnTaLlY aLl Up AnD lOvE-jUiCeD, fOlLoWiNg AfTeR aNd WhInInG lIkE sOmE mOtHeRfUcKiNg LiTtLe PuPpY bArKbEaSt.  
TC: lOrD, wHaT fOoLs ThEsE mOrTaLs Be!  
TC: HoNk :O)  
CA: theyre makin a hell a a lot a noise  
CA: they’ll wwake up demetrius  
TC: oHhH tHiS iS gOiNg To Be MoThErFuCkInG gOoD.  
Enter Lysander [GT] and Helena [TG].  
GT: I honestly cannot fathom why you think my wooing a mockery! If it were would i be crying like this?  
GT: These are no crocodiles tears fair lady!  
TG: see all this is what u should be sayin to hermia  
TG: literally yesterday u were all  
TG: ‘were gonna run off into the woods and get married and have babbes’  
TG: and now u come up w/ this bs  
TG: and u expect me to believe you? ??  
GT: I wasn’t thinking straight yesterday.  
TG: u sure as hell ain’t now  
GT: But this way it all works out. Demetrius loves her and he loves not you.  
Demetrius awakes.  
TT: Oh Helena, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine!  
TG: whta the actual fuck  
TT: Helena, I take back everything I’ve ever said to you lately. I don’t know what was clouding my eyes.  
TT: You are a princess of pure white and a seal of bliss.  
TG: this isnt fuckin funny anymore!!!! >:(  
TG: so both of u are in on this  
TG: its not enough to hate em but u gotta make fun of me like this now  
TG: fuckin assholes  
TG: i hate u both  
TG: i lterally hate u 100000% more than ihave ever hated anything  
GT: Demetrius you love hermia why dont you go with her. I willingly give up my love of her so that you can take my place. Why not do the same for me with Helena?  
TG: yall are wastin ur breath  
TT: Lysander, keep your Hermia, I will have none.   
TT: My love for her was nothing more than a brief interlude in the course of my affections for dear Helen.  
GT: Helena dont listen to him hes lying!  
TT: Don’t talk about what you don’t know.  
TT: Look, here comes your love.  
Enter Hermia.  
GG: Lysander! I heard your voice and followed it here.  
GG: Why did you leave me?  
GT: Why should he stay whom love doth press to go?  
GG: …  
GG: What love could press you from my side?  
GT: Why my love for the fair Helena that would not let me rest until I was with her.  
GG: You… you can’t be serious.  
TG: whoa whoa swho s hold the fuckin fphoen   
TG: *phone  
TG: ur in on it too arent u  
TG: ARENT U  
GG: What??? No!!!  
TG: so i guess all that time we spent totgether counts for nothin huh  
TG: all the secrets we shared  
TG: the games we plaeyed  
TG: hermia how could u  
GG: Believe me, I have nothing to do with this!  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: so it wasnt u who got UR LOVE lysander to folow me around and mock me like this  
TG: it wasnt u who gut ur other love demetrius  
TG: who i might add fuckin hates me  
TG: to do the exact same thing  
TG: u bitch  
GG: Now wait just a god damned minute. >:(  
TG: oh no by all ameans carry on  
TG: gon one palyin ur game  
TG: look im laughin  
TG: hafuckingha   
GT: Gentle helena please hear my excuse! My love my life my soul fair helena!   
TG: goddaman what a good joke my sides are splittin  
GG: Lysander, please…  
TT: If you won’t listen to Hermia’s pleas, listen to my orders.  
GT: Listen to you? Ha!   
GT: Your threats have no more strength than her weak prayers.  
TT: I say I love her more than you do.  
GT: Is that a challenge? *readies fisticuffs*   
TT: I suppose it is.  
GG: LYSANDER!  
GT: I say get off of me you vile thing!  
GG: Please tell me you’re joking…  
TG: yeah see how it feels  
GT: Demetrius i will keep my word with you and duel to the death!  
TT: To be honest I don’t really trust your word, since you seem to break it fairly easily.  
GT: On my head i would never harm hermia even though i hate her.  
GG: That’s harm enough as it is!   
GG: What could have possibly happened to you since last night to make you like this?  
GT: All i know is that i positively detest you and love fair helena!  
GG: HELENA.  
GG: This is your fault. You came by at night and stole his heart from him!  
TG: do u have any decency at all ?????  
TG: u  
TG: u puppet  
GG: PUPPET?  
GG: Meaning I’m short? Are you so high in his esteem because I am so dwarfish and low?  
GG: How low am I, you painted maypole? Huh? How low am I????  
GG: Not so low that my nails can’t reach to your eyes!  
TG: guys guyz pls dont let her hurt me  
TG: im innocent i swear  
TG: look hermia cmon i never did anthyign rrong  
TG: *anything  
TG: nevr ebetrayed any of ur secrets  
TG: well okay i told demetrisu that u and lysander were goin into the woods so i could foollow him  
TG: but then he threatened to kill me so that didnt edactly work out???  
TG: *exactly  
TG: cmon just let me go back to athens  
GG: GO! What’s stopping you?  
TG: a fooslih heart that i leave her beheind  
TG: *foolsih  
TG: *foolish  
GG: What, with Lysander?  
TG: w/ demetrius  
GT: Fear not fair helena! She will not harm you.  
TT: No, she will not.  
TG: u gotat wathc out for her when sehs angry though  
TG: shesi like the incredible hulk  
GG: IS THAT A FAT JOKE.  
GG: LET ME AT HER.  
GT: Get you gone you minimus of hindering knotgrass made!  
TT: For someone who says you love Helena, you’re sure wasting a fuckton of breath on Hermia.  
TT: If you really want to prove you love her, you’re going to have to do more than that.  
GT: I think now seems an excellent time for that duel you challenged me to.  
TT: I concur.  
Exeunt Lysander and Demetrius.  
GG: Leaving so soon?  
TG: yeah i dont trust u farther than i could throw u  
Exit.  
GG: Well.  
GG: That about takes the cake.  
Exit.  
CA: all a this is your fuckin fault   
CA: wwas it a mistake or did you do all a this on purpose  
TC: NoOoOo My KiNgBrO tHiS wAs AlL a MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcUlOuS aCcIdEnT.  
TC: dIdN’t MeAn FoR aNy Of ThIs MaYhEm To Be Up AnD hApPeNiNg.  
CA: wwell unless wwe do somethin those twwo guys are goin to kill each other  
CA: covver the sky wwith clouds so it gets real dark an lead them awway from each other until they fall asleep  
CA: then crush the antidote for the lovve potion in lysanders eyes  
CA: hopefully wwhen they wwake up all a this wwill seem like a dream  
CA: meanwwhile i havve to attend my queen  
TC: AlL rIgHt BuT wE gOtTa Do ThIs QuIcKlY dAwN iS uP aNd ApPrOaChInG.  
TC: aNd We AlL kNoW sPiRiTs CaNt Be Up AnD oUt WhIlE iTs DaYlIgHt.  
CA: but wwe are spirits a another sort  
CA: all the same dont delay  
CA: wwe can fix all this by mornin  
Exit.  
TC: Up AnD dOwN, uP aNd DoWn, I wIlL lEaD tHeM uP aNd DoWn.  
TC: hErE cOmEs OnE.  
TC: HoNk :O)  
Enter Lysander.  
GT: Where are you proud demetrius? Speak now!  
TC: hErE, vIlLaIn, DrAwN aNd ReAdY. wHeRe ArE yOu?  
GT: Right on your heels you vainglorious bastard!  
TC: FoLlOw Me ThEn!  
Exit Lysander. Enter Demetrius.  
TT: Lysander! Speak again, you runaway coward. Where are you hiding?  
TC: wHo ArE yOu CaLlInG a CoWaRd, YoU mOtHeRfUcKeR?  
TC: CoMe At Me.  
TT: Are you there?  
TC: fOlLoW mY vOiCe.  
Exeunt. Enter Lysander.  
GT: That dastardly coward refuses to face me!  
GT: I keep chasing after him but can never face him. Perhaps I’ll have better luck in the morning.  
Lies down and sleeps. Enter Puck and Demetrius.  
TC: CoMe On, YoU cOwArD!  
TT: That’s the last fucking time you call me that.  
TT: Where the hell are you?  
TC: rIgHt OvEr HeRe.  
TT: Now you’re just taking the piss out of me. You know what, I’m going to sleep now, and if I see you in daylight you better fucking watch out.  
Lies down and sleeps. Enter Helena.  
TG: ugggghhhh im so tired  
TG: this has been the literal WORST night of my life  
TG: im goin back ot athens tomorrow  
Lies down and sleeps.  
TC: OnE, tWo, ThReE, wHeRe’S fOuR?  
Enter Hermia.  
GG: I can’t. I just can’t anymore.  
GG: If they fight, heaven shield Lysander…  
Lies down and sleeps.   
TC: aNd NoW fOr ThE mAkInG oF sOmE mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs.  
Squeezing the juice on Lysander’s eyes.  
TC: WhEn ThOu WaKeSt, ThOu TaKeSt  
TC: tRuE dElIgHt In ThE sIgHt  
TC: Of ThEy FoRmEr LaDy’S eYe  
TC: jAcK sHaLl HaVe JiLl, NoUgHt ShAlL gO iLl  
TC: ThE mAn ShAlL hAvE hIs MaId AgAiN aNd AlL sHaLl Be WeLl.  
TC: hOnK ;o)

Exit.


	8. Act IV, Scene 1

IV.1 The same.  Lysander [GT], Demetrius [TT], Helena [TG], and  Hermia [GG] lying asleep. Enter  Titania [AG] and  Bottom [EB], Peaseblossom [AC], Cobweb [CT], Mote [AA] and Mustardseed [GC] attending;  Oberon [CA] behind unseen.

AG: Sit here on these flowers while I just stroke your handsome face!  
AG: You like me, don’t you? Don’t you?  
EB: where’s peaseblossom?  
AC: :33 < ready  
EB: scratch my head. where’s mister cobweb?  
CT: D --> Ready  
EB: why don’t you get a spear and go kill a bee and bring me some honey or something. make sure you don’t get any of it on you though. where’s mustardseed?  
GC: R34DY  
GC: WH4T 1S YOUR W1LL  
EB: nothing, just help peaseblossom scratch. man, i’ve really got to get to a barber, i feel super hairy about the face.  
AG: Would you like to hear some music?  
EB: i’ve got a good ear for music, why not.  
AG: Or would you rather something to eat?  
EB: oooooh, i could go for some dry oats. or hay.  
EB: hay sounds good.  
AG: I’ll send a fairy to raid the squirrel’s hoard and get you some nuts.  
EB: nah, i’d rather have dried peas.   
EB: you know what, though, i’m feeling awfully sleepy…  
AG: Sleep, and I will wind you in my arms.   
AG: Fairies, clear the hell out of here!  
Exeunt  Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Mustardseed, and  Mote.  
AG: Oh, I am going to keep you here with me forever and ever and you are NEVER going to leave. <33333333  
They sleep. Enter Puck [TC].  
CA: wwelcome puck  
CA: see this pitiful sight  
CA: at first i thought id enjoy it but noww i just feel bad for her  
CA: just a little though  
CA: all the same i met her earlier an she wwas so in lovve wwith this thing that she gavve me back the little indian boy  
CA: so noww that ivve got him i guess its time to undo the enchantment  
CA: oh an puck after evverythin take that donkeys head off this peasant  
CA: so he can get back to rehearsin that fuckin terrible play  
CA: but noww ivve got to wwake tan  
CA: be as you wwere wwont to be  
CA: see as you wwere wwont to see  
CA: dianas bud ovver cupids flowwer  
CA: has such force an blessed powwer  
CA: noww wwake tan my queen  
Titania awakens.  
AG: O8eron!!!!!!!! You’ll never 8elieve what my vision eightfold showed me!  
AG: I thought I was in love with an ass. Ha! ME!!!!!!!!  
CA: there lies your lovve  
AG: Ugh, no way! I 8et you’re lying.  
CA: am not  
AG: Are too.  
CA: am not  
AG: Are too!!!!!!!!  
CA: okay wwhatevver  
CA: puck take his head off  
TC: hEhEhE oFf WiTh YoUr HeAd My MoThErFuCkInG dOnKeY bRo.  
CA: come on lets play some music or somethin  
CA: hey tan noww that wwevve   
CA: you knoww  
CA: made up or wwhatevver  
CA: wwant to come wwith me to theseus wweddin tomorroww  
CA: lets make it a triple wweddin an havve these lovvers married there too  
AG: Why O8eron, I thought you’d never ask! :::;)   
TC: WhOaAa MeThInKs I hEaR tHe MoRnInG lArK.  
CA: guess thats our cue to leavve  
AG: All right, let’s go.  
AG: 8ut on the way, you’re going to tell me ALLLLLLLL a8out how I ended up sleeping on the ground with these mortals.  
CA: uh  
Exeunt. Enter  Theseus [TG], Hippolyta [GG],  Egeus [TT],  and train.  
TG: i love the smell of hunting in the morning  
TG: smells like victory  
GG: you know the best hunt i was ever on was in sparta with hercules  
GG: that was so much fun!!  
TG: yeah well my hounds are from sparta  
TG: bet they could take hercules dogs  
TG: whoa wtf why are all these people asleep on the ground  
TT: My lord… I believe that’s my daughter.  
TT: And yes, that would be Lysander and Demetrius, and Helena as well.  
TT: What could have possibly brought them all together here?  
TG: they probably got up early to celebrate may day or something  
TG: hey wait a minute egeus  
TG: wasnt today the day hermia made her choice  
TT: It is, my lord.  
TG: yo wake them up  
TG: blow real loud on your horns or something  
Horns and shout within.  Lysander, Demetrius, Helena, and  Hermia wake and start up.  
TG: dunno if you guys got the memo but valentines day was like three months ago  
TG: its a little late to start coupling up now  
GT: Pardon my liege.  
TG: hey lysander and demetrius  
TG: can i call you lys and demi for short  
TG: seriously though those names are one hell of a mouthful what were your parents thinking  
TG: anyway  
TG: dont you two hate each others guts  
TG: how come youre sleeping so close to each other  
GT: Well sir i am as much befuddled by that as any other person! *scratches head pensively*  
GT: All i know is that i came here with hermia so that we could leave athens and be married elsewhere.  
TT: You asshole.   
TT: My lord, I beg you, bring the law down upon his head. They defied me and would have made a mockery out of my parental authority.  
TT: Don’t you agree, Demetrius, that they should be punished? After all, you are losing a bride out of this otherwise.   
TT: Yes, well… that’s the thing.  
TT: Helena told me of their purpose, and so I followed them into the wood, Helena following me.   
TT: And there, by some power – I know not what – my love for Hermia melted like the snow, and I now have eyes for Helena only.   
TG: huh  
TG: well  
TG: i guess that sorts everything out  
TG: sorry egeus guess you lose with this one  
TG: anyway come on i thought we were going hunting or something  
TG: tell you what though when we get back lets have a fucking huge party  
TG: triple wedding ill pull out all the stops  
TG: confetti booze ice sculptures the works  
TG: as in confetti  
TG: booze  
TG: and ice sculptures  
TG: although sculptures made out of ice confetti and booze would be pretty awesome too come to think of it  
TG: wonder if i can get someone on that  
TG: after all whats the point of being the duke of athens if a man cant get his confetti booze ice sculptures  
GG: i thought you wanted to go hunting? :P  
TG: oh right yeah  
TG: catch you on the flip side homies  
Exit  Theseus, Hippolyta, Egeus, and train.  
TT: It’s odd, my memories of last night seem so vague…  
TG: ok is it just me or is anyone else seein double  
TG: no  
TG: just me  
TT: I wonder if in some way we’re still dreaming. That – that was the duke who just talked to us, yes?  
GG: And my mother.  
TG: and hiosyplyta  
TG: *hiospsolya  
TG: *hiopposylta  
TG: *HIPOYLYTA  
TG: meh fuck it  
GT: And he ordered us to return to athens for a party.  
TT: Well, I guess we should go, then.  
TT: Let’s return, and along the way recount our dreams to each other.  
Exeunt. Bottom awakens.  
EB: i know my cue! it’s “most fair pyramus!”  
EB: peter quince? flute the bellows-mender? snout! starveling!  
EB: where is everyone?  
EB: what the hell, did you guys seriously let me fall asleep and then just leave me in the woods all night?  
EB: dicks.   
EB: man, i had such a strange dream though… too strange to even talk about…  
EB: but it’d make an awesome song though!  
EB: i gotta go get peter quince to write it out for me and then i can sing it in the play.

Exit.  



	9. Act IV, Scene 2

IV.2 Enter Quince [CC], Flute [CG], Snout [TA], and  Starveling [GA].

CC: )(ave you been to Bottom’s )(ouse? Is )(e )(ome yet?   
GA: Unfortunately No One Has Seen Or Heard Of Him Since Yesterday   
CG: WAIT, IF HE DOESN’T SHOW UP WE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO PERFORM THIS PLAY?   
CC: I don’t t)(ink we will, I don’t know anyone else w)(o can play Pyramus. 38(   
CG: THANK FUCKING GOD. MAYBE THERE’S SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT THIS AFTER ALL.   
CG: WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN’T REPLACE HIM? WE COULD GET SOME RANDOM ASSHOLE OFF THE STREET AND HE WOULD DO A BETTER JOB. HELL, AT LEAST HE WOULDN’T STEAL THE ENTIRE DAMN STAGE AND BE A PRETENTIOUS RAVING DOUCHENOZZLE.   
CC: You’re really not kelping rig)(t now.   
Enter  Snug [AT]   
AT: i HAVE, sOME, nOT SO GOOD NEWS,,   
AT: tHE, uH, dUKE IS COMING FROM THE TEMPLE, aND SOME OTHER COUPLES,   
AT: aND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE ALL,, uH, mARRIED,,   
AT: aND WILL WANT TO SEE THE PLAY,   
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT BOTTOM. YOU **HAD** TO RUN OFF INTO THE FUCKING WOODS, DIDN’T YOU?    
CG: NEVER MIND THAT WE’RE PERFORMING A PLAY THE VERY NEXT NIGHT. OH NO, YOU HAD TO GO TURN INTO A DONKEY AND DISAPPEAR INTO THE MIDDLE OF FAIRY FUCKING WONDERLAND SO YOU COULD LEAVE US ALL WITH OUR THUMBS UP OUR ASSES IN FRONT OF THE DUKE!   
CG: THANK YOU, NICK “I AM AN ACTOR EXTRAORDI-FUCKING-NAIRE” BOTTOM!   
Enter  Bottom [EB].    
EB: hey guys!   
CG: YOU SHITFUCKING NOOKEATING SPITSTAIN WEASELTURD –   
CC: BOTTOM! T)(ank cod you’re back!!!    
CC: W)(at )(appened to you?   
EB: hoo boy, do i have a story to tell!   
EB: not right now though.   
CC: pleeeeaaaase? 38)   
EB: not now, we don’t have time. we have to get ready for the play!   
EB: everyone, get your shit together! thisby, make sure you have clean clothes. guy who plays the lion, don’t trim your nails!   
EB: oh, and nobody eat any garlic!

Exeunt.  



	10. Act V, Scene 1

V.1 Enter  Theseus [TG], Hippolyta [GG], Philostrate [Hussie], Lords and Attendants.

GG: that sure was a strange story the lovers told  
TG: you dont seriously believe it do you  
TG: i mean come on  
TG: theyre a seething mass of hormones anything that comes out of their mouths is gonna be bullshit  
TG: the lunatic the lover and the poet all have one thing in common  
TG: and thats that theyre batshit crazy  
TG: like seriously  
TG: overactive imaginations like nobodys business  
TG: i mean holy hell have you seen some of the things these writers come up with  
TG: just wtf where do they get these ideas from   
TG: what kind of whacko shit are they hiding in there  
GG: okay yes but the fact that four different people experienced the same thing TOGETHER says its a little more than imagination :P  
TG: oh look here they come  
Enter  Lysander [GT],  Demetrius [TT], Hermia [GG], and  Helena [TG].  
TG: sup yall  
TG: ready to get this party started or what  
TG: yo philostrate whats on the entertainment menu tonight  
It’s all written down on this paper here. Do I have to spell everything out for you?  
TG: ‘the battle with the centaurs, to be sung by an athenian eunuch to the harp’  
TG: okay no  
TG: just no  
TG: plus nobodys singing about hercules in my palace  
TG: ‘the riot of the tipsy bacchanals, tearing the thracian singer in their rage’  
TG: pshh thats so three years ago they played it when i conquered thebes  
TG: ‘the thrice three muses mourning for the death of learning, late deceased in beggary’  
TG: oh yeah that sounds like hella fun  
TG: especially for a wedding  
TG: moving on  
TG: ‘a tedious brief scene of young pyramus and his love thisby: very tragical mirth’  
TG: whats this one like?  
It’s pretty bad, actually. It’s boring, badly written, and the actors suck.  
TG: sounds great  
TG: lets see it  
I’m not sure you understood what I just said.  
TG: no i heard it  
TG: i want to see the shitty play  
TG: just do your job and bring them in  
Exit Philostrate.  
GG: are you actually serious about this?  
TG: its an ironic thing  
TG: you wouldnt understand  
GG: i definitely dont understand it, but im not sure its irony :P  
TG: nah see look im doing them a favor  
TG: being all gracious and dukely  
TG: watching their play even though it sucks donkey balls  
TG: and hey who knows it might be funny  
Enter Philostrate.  
Here’s the Prologue to start things off.  
TG: great  
TG: let the play begin  
Flourish of trumpets. Enter Quince [CC] as the Prologue.  
CC: If we offend, it is wit)( our good will.  
CC: T)(at you s)(ould t)(ink we come not to offend,  
CC: But wit)( good will. To s)(ow our simple skill,  
CC: T)(at is t)(e beginning of our end,  
CC: And our true intent is. All for your delig)(t  
CC: We are not )(ere. T)(at you s)(ould repent you,  
CC: T)(e actors are at )(and, and by t)(eir s)(ow  
CC: You s)(all know all t)(at you are like to know.  
TG: was it just me or was all the punctuation in the wrong spots  
GT: Why she rode that prologue like a wild colt!  
GG: I told you this was going to be bad……  
TG: yeah yeah  
TG: whos next  
Enter  Bottom [EB] as Pyramus,  Flute [CG]  as Thisby,  Snout [TA] as Wall,  Starveling [GA]  as Moonshine, and  Snug [AT] as Lion.  
EB: ladies and gentlemen, perchance you wonder at this show!  
EB: but wonder no more, because here i am to explain everything!  
EB: i am pyramus, and this beautiful lady is thisby.  
EB: this man here, all covered in mud, represents the wall which separated these two poor lovers and this woman with a lantern represents moonshine, because the lovers met by moonshine at ninny’s tomb.  
CG: (it's ninus' tomb you fuckwit)  
EB: and over here we have the lion, which scared thisby away, and as she fled she dropped her scarf, which the lion viciously mauled!  
EB: and when pyramus saw it, he thought thisby was dead and killed himself, and then thisby came back and killed herself with his dagger.  
EB: now for our play!  
Exeunt  Quince, Bottom, Flute,  Snug, and  Starveling.  
TG: i wonder if the lions going to speak  
TT: No wonder, my lord: one lion may, when many asses do.  
TA: iin thii2 2ame iinterlude iit doe2 befall  
TA: that ii, one 2nout by name, pre2ent a wall  
TA: that had iin iit a cranniied hole or chiink  
TA: through whiich the lover2, pyramu2 and thii2by,  
TA: diid whii2per often very 2ecretly.  
TG: wow ive never heard a wall talk so well  
TT: It’s a very talented wall.  
Enter  Bottom.  
EB: oh grim-look’d night! o night with hue so black!  
EB: o night, which ever are when day is not!  
EB: o night, o night! alas, alas, alas,  
EB: i fear my thisby’s promise is forgot!  
EB: and you, o wall, o sweet, o lovely wall,  
EB: that stands between her father’s house and mine!  
EB: show me a chink, for me to blink through with my eyes!  
Snout holds up his fingers.  
EB: thanks, courteous wall: jove protect you for this!  
EB: but what do i see? no thisby.  
EB: o wicked wall, through whom i see no bliss!  
EB: cursed be thy stones for thus deceiving me!  
TG: since the wall can talk shouldnt it curse him back or something  
EB: actually no, he shouldn’t. besides, its thisby’s cue now.   
EB: look, here she comes.  
Enter  Flute.  
CG: OH WALL, YOU HAVE OFTEN HEARD MY MOANS  
CG: FOR PARTING MY FAIR PYRAMUS AND ME.  
CG: (i'm going to stab my eyes out)  
EB: i see a voice: now will i to the crack to spy  
EB: so i can hear my thisby’s face. Thisby!  
CG: I THINK YOU’RE MY LOVE.  
EB: it is, it’s me!  
EB: still trusty and faithful!  
CG: AS AM I TO YOU.  
EB: o kiss me through the hole of this vile wall!  
CG: I KISS THE WALL’S HOLE, NOT YOUR LIPS AT ALL.  
EB: will you at ninny’s tomb meet me straightaway?  
CG: I COME WITHOUT DELAY.  
Exit  Bottom and  Flute.  
TA: thu2 have ii, wall, my part dii2charged 2o;  
TA: and, beiing done, thu2 wall away doe2 go.  
Exit.  
GG: this is the silliest thing i have ever heard  
TG: aw come on its not that bad  
TG: i kind of like it  
Enter Snug  and Starveling.  
AT: yOU, uHH, lADIES, wHOSE GENTLE HEARTS DO FEAR,,  
AT: tHE SMALLEST MOUSE, tHAT CREEPS ON THE FLOOR,  
AT: mAY NOW, uH, qUAKE AND TREMBLE HERE,  
AT: wHEN LION ROUGH IN WILDEST RAGE, dOTH ROAR,  
AT: tHEN KNOW, uHHH, tHAT I, oNE sNUG THE JOINER,  
AT: aM, uH, nOT REALLY, a REAL LION,,  
TG: what a friendly lion  
GG: Certainly the nicest lion I’ve ever seen.  
GA: This Lantern Represents The Horned Moon  
GA: And Myself The Lady In The Moon To Seem To Be  
TG: wait if the lanterns the moon  
TG: and shes the woman in the moon  
TG: shouldnt she be inside the lantern  
TT: She can’t, the candle in the lantern’s already lit.  
TG: ah yes of course  
GA: Look Its A Metaphor  
GA: Youll Have To Use Your Imagination  
Enter  Flute.  
CG: THIS IS OLD NINUS’ TOMB. WHERE IS MY LOVE?  
AT: uHH, rOAR!!,,  
Exit Flute.  
TT: Well roared, Lion.  
TG: well run thisby  
GG: well shone, moon  
Snug shakes Flute’s scarf, and exits. Enter Bottom.  
EB: sweet moon, i thank you for your sunny beams;  
EB: i thank you, moon, for shining now so bright;  
EB: for, by your gracious, golden, glittering gleams,  
EB: i trust to take of truest thisby sight.  
EB: but stay, o spite!  
EB: but mark, poor knight,  
EB: what dreadful dole is here!  
EB: eyes, do you see?  
EB: how can it be?  
EB: o dainty duck! o dear!  
EB: your mantle good  
EB: what, stained with blood!  
EB: approach, you furies fell!  
EB: o fates, come, come,  
EB: cut thread and thrum;  
EB: quail, crush, CONCLUDE, AND QUELL!!!  
GG: awww i kind of feel sorry for him :(  
EB: why, nature, did you make lions?  
EB: out, sword, and wound pyramus!  
EB: right in the heart!  
Stabs himself.  
EB: AAAAAAAAAGH  
EB: now i am dead,  
EB: now i am fled;  
EB: my soul is in the sky:  
EB: tongue, lose your light;  
EB: moon take your flight:  
Exit Starveling.  
TG: awwww i liked the moon  
TG: come back moon  
EB: now die, die, die, diiiiiieeee…..  
Dies.  
TG: you know i bet a good doctor could fix that  
GG: shhhhhh this is serious  
Enter Flute.  
GT: I say this is getting very emotional. *wipes eyes on handkerchief*  
CG: ASLEEP, MY LOVE?  
CG: WHAT, DEAD, MY DOVE?  
CG: O PYRAMUS, ARISE!  
CG: A TOMB MUST COVER YOUR SWEET EYES, THESE MY LIPS, THIS CHERRY –  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT?  
CG: NO.  
CG: NO, NO, AND FUCKING NO!  
CG: I REFUSE TO TAKE PART IN THIS ANY MORE!!!  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M DONE. I’M DONE!  
CG: I QUIT, I GIVE UP, I AM FUCKING DONE WITH ALL OF THIS!  
CG: YOU WANT TRAGEDY? I’LL GIVE YOU TRAGEDY!  
Stabs himself.  
CG: THERE, I FUCKING KILLED MYSELF. WOW, SO ***SAD***! SOMEONE HELP, I’M DYING! OH MY GOD, THE PAIN, THE PAIN!  
CG: GOOD FUCKING BYE, *FRIENDS*!  
CG: I’M OUT!  
Exit.  
GG: …  
TG: well  
TG: that was different  
EB: uhhh do you maybe want to hear the epilogue?   
TG: yeah no  
TG: no epilogue  
TG: i know why dont we have a dance instead  
A dance.  
TG: oh shit will you look at that its almost midnight  
TG: lets go to bed before the fairies are all out  
TG: not that i believe in fairies or anything  
TG: but you know  
TG: anyway this partys going to last another two weeks  
TG: so yeah  
TG: to bed  
TG: oh right  
TG: BED   
TG: wonk ;)  
Exeunt. Enter Puck [TC].  
TC: nOw ThE hUnGrY lIoN rOaRs, AnD tHe WoLf HoWlS aT tHe MoOn.   
TC: NoW iT iS tHe TiMe Of NiGhT, tHaT tHe GrAvEs AlL gApInG wIdE, eVeRy OnE lEtS fOrTh HiS sPrItE.  
TC: aNd We FaIrIeS, tHaT dO rUn, FrOm ThE pReSeNcE oF tHe SuN, fRoLiC aNd MoThErFuCkInG dAnCe.  
TC: HoNk :o)  
Enter Oberon [CA] and Titania [AG] with their train.  
CA: through the house givve lots a light  
CA: evvery elf an fairy sprite  
CA: sing an dance it trippingly  
AG: First we sing, and then we dance – 8ut will we 8less or curse this place? :::;)  
CA: im feelin generous lets bless it today  
CA: make sure all their babies dont end up deformed or anythin  
AG: No curses? Not even a teeeeeeeeny little one?  
CA: wwell okay  
CA: one curse  
AG: Yessssssss!  
Song and dance, then exeunt all but Puck.  
TC: iF wE mOtHeRfUcKiNg ShAdOwS hAvE oFfEnDeD, jUsT tHiNk ThIs AnD aLl Is MeNdEd.  
TC: ThIs WaS aLl NoThInG bUt A mOtHeRfUcKiNg ViSiOn.  
TC: dOn’T wOrRy YoUr LiTtLe MoRtAl HeAdS, tHiS wErE nOtHiNg BuT a MoThErFuCkInG dReAm.   
TC: OtHeRwIsE yOu CaN cAlL mE a MoThErFuCkInG lIaR.  
TC: aNd So, A wIcKeD rIgHtEoUs NiGhT tO yOu AlL.  
TC: GiVe Me YoUr HaNdS, iF wE bE fRiEnDs,   
TC: aNd RoBiN sHaLl ReStOrE aMeNdS.  
TC: HoNk ;o)

Exit.  



End file.
